In less than a month I am jetting off on holiday thanks to some budget airline deal that we are hoping is not a scam. (You have to help that poor African prince with his money first of course..no biggie!) Anyways, while my boyfriend is brushing off any request to plan what to bring with “Meh, I’ll just pack on the day”, I of course have started preparing. Unfortunately due to the cold snap and the fact that we’re only a few days into spring, I haven’t seen any real beach wear in the shops yet. So, a virtual shopping trip was due and off to Asos I went.
Browsing through pages of skimpy bikinis, cut out bathing suits and ridiculous beach clothing (sheer trousers what?), I couldn’t help but notice the large amount swimwear that no actual human woman could possibly pull off. (There are of course also lots of lovely things on there, and I do generally love Asos…but it had to be done.)
I present to you, my scetchy versions of Asos swimwear, as imagined on more average women.
Incredibly Unflattering Swimwear
The Belly Buster – Sick of those stupid control tights and spanks? Hate all the attention your waist is getting over your expertly cultivated beer/cake gut? Let loose in this flattering one piece!
The ‘Period’ Piece – Expecting aunt flo but hate all the worrying that comes with being fertile? This beauty has a pattern so even if you do come on, you’re still covered. (Topshop also did one in yellow tie-dye a few years back for those who pee in the pool with pride..perhaps check ebay?)
The Netted Ham – For those glamourous prostitutes out there on half term, or those who think there is no such thing as too many curves!
The Butt-sniffer – Let everyone know you support the WWF, and love animals with this cheeky design. Also good for keeping an ‘eye’ out for anyone checking out your behind!